LOVE LETTERS
I
Today, when I woke up and went to work, I was a little thrilled because I
knew that I would see you. So when I picked up the phone and it was
you, my heart flew right into my throat. I want more mornings where the
first thing I hear is you. I don’t think that I listen to you when you
talk. Not as fully as I know I should, so that I can hold onto your
words. I’m too busy thinking about the proximity of you and me, how
close we are to each other, too busy listening to your voice fall over
my head. I didn’t tell you at the barbecue–but you have the nicest
voice. I want you to sing me to sleep. Today, we sat near each other,
and when everyone else left the room all I wanted to do was reach over
to you and wrap my fingers around yours. Touching you doesn’t seem like
enough, I want our muscles to intertwine. I wanted to scoot my chair
next to yours, and rest my head on your shoulder. Today, I cleaned out
my purse for five minutes (when it should’ve taken two) because I knew
you were leaving at the same time, and I wanted to walk outside and into
the sunlight with you. I missed you by a minute, and I saw you walking
away without me. My eyes and feet wanted to follow you, but I had to
walk in a perpendicular direction. Today, you were standing very close
to me and all the other things that I wanted today fell out of my head
and were replaced by a single lucid certainty. I have not wanted
anything recently as much as I wanted to turn around and hug you.
II
I
have accidentally deleted my last love letter to you when we were still
together in my blog. However, I will still write a love letter for you,
even if we have separated for a while. I love you, I still do. Perhaps
there will always be that silent, quiet space in my heart just for you
and for everything that we have shared. When I remember you, I still
smile and wish that somewhere out there, you are doing alright. I have
let you go, wishing for your happiness and the fulfillment of heart’s
longing, channeling my selfish desires to be with you into transcedence
of unconditional love. We no longer talk, could look at each other’s
eyes anymore, or greet each other in the hallway. I may seem to appear
that I ignore you, but I notice your presence. No, I do not hate you nor
do I want you to suffer in life. The memory of pain, anger and madness
seems to be just flickers of events and they no longer hurt. However, I
still cherish the memories of love that you have given me. We started
with a hug and ended with a hug, your smile when we sleep next to each
other, the first time you held my hand and waking up in the morning next
to you. You have taught me what I have learned about the both sides of
love, even if it means of setting you free, of wishing for your own
happiness and to truly accept that I won’t be a part of your life
anymore, even though I wish I were. And if I had to repeat it all, I
would do it all again, no hesitations, no questions, I’d say yes. You
have been my teacher among life’s greatest lessons, even if it means
having to learn it the hard way. Even until now, you are still teaching
me about loving one’s self including one’s murkiest parts so I could
learn how to love others’ murkiest parts. Perhaps in another lifetime,
our souls will meet, just in different vessels and forms. May our souls
bring each other joy and love, when they meet again. Perhaps when we
have already fixed ourselves, we can nourish our friendship again. For
now, my fervent wish for you to fly, to fly so high and to seek the
balance of pride and humility, of talking and listening, to befriend
your own darkness and shadows that it could bring light to you. And when
it seems your battle has become dreary and tiresome, remember that
there will be people who are on your side, including me. I will always
love you, even if it continues to change to other forms.LV.
the maelstroms of unavoidable, iridescent truths are what we hold on to. the bittersweet dreams of yesteryear are what we never want to think of. The illusions you keep, the sadistic misery of marigolds, the taste of september. thoughts of these make me fade faster than polaroids, leaving nothing but a shimmer, a secret, an unseen sign behind.i was all fucked up and confused and sweet, wandering with a broken heart and two left feet. the girl who could barely live, let alone fall for you. the girl with scars on her arms and lies and tears made of ice and a head full of kaleidoscope dreams. the girl with a voice, the girl without a choice. maybe, maybe I’m not like you. you write about inhibitions and love, words dripping off the page; disillusioned and hopeful, caught in the ephemeral, neon dreamworld. you are the unknown, the sudden apparition of change, and the lights on the stage and the euphoria. sometimes i think what could have been, but don’t want it anymore. i scatter those visions as if they were cursed glitterati. you don’t know enough. you make up excuses for me, and you never ask. you wanted to be a star. there you go, you supernova.i’m tired of them with the look in their eyes, saying this is how hard it is to get over you.i don’t ever want to listen to songs about you walking out the door and wanting to take it back, and mistakes in love, and turn into one of them because you forged fire out of the ice, you say what we both knew you could never take back, you pretend without regret. you hate, and make more mistakes; you stay with your truth, you want her, and I’m tired of you. you never said it. you think she’s better (she looks at me like she knows and she wants and you don’t even notice); you break more hearts and make her laugh using nothing but debri and your stupid tricks up your sleeve, and so you think you have that hope, that you actually stand a chance.i don’t know why.i loved you. i loved you before, when you traipsed around, shining like that, gesticulating wildly, and making up wild things. when you were real and crazy. i loved you like the first, bittersweet summer love which can only be shared; i loved you sadly and wildly. i loved you because we used to fit somehow, like pieces of a broken world; because i understood and you were unforgettable. i loved you and starflowers, your music and your words. you, you thought I was ‘human’, and wrote of certain unmentionable events. you think I did what I didn’t, and you hate. You never knew.
the maelstroms of unavoidable, iridescent truths are what we hold on to. the bittersweet dreams of yesteryear are what we never want to think of. The illusions you keep, the sadistic misery of marigolds, the taste of september. thoughts of these make me fade faster than polaroids, leaving nothing but a shimmer, a secret, an unseen sign behind.i was all fucked up and confused and sweet, wandering with a broken heart and two left feet. the girl who could barely live, let alone fall for you. the girl with scars on her arms and lies and tears made of ice and a head full of kaleidoscope dreams. the girl with a voice, the girl without a choice. maybe, maybe I’m not like you. you write about inhibitions and love, words dripping off the page; disillusioned and hopeful, caught in the ephemeral, neon dreamworld. you are the unknown, the sudden apparition of change, and the lights on the stage and the euphoria. sometimes i think what could have been, but don’t want it anymore. i scatter those visions as if they were cursed glitterati. you don’t know enough. you make up excuses for me, and you never ask. you wanted to be a star. there you go, you supernova.i’m tired of them with the look in their eyes, saying this is how hard it is to get over you.i don’t ever want to listen to songs about you walking out the door and wanting to take it back, and mistakes in love, and turn into one of them because you forged fire out of the ice, you say what we both knew you could never take back, you pretend without regret. you hate, and make more mistakes; you stay with your truth, you want her, and I’m tired of you. you never said it. you think she’s better (she looks at me like she knows and she wants and you don’t even notice); you break more hearts and make her laugh using nothing but debri and your stupid tricks up your sleeve, and so you think you have that hope, that you actually stand a chance.i don’t know why.i loved you. i loved you before, when you traipsed around, shining like that, gesticulating wildly, and making up wild things. when you were real and crazy. i loved you like the first, bittersweet summer love which can only be shared; i loved you sadly and wildly. i loved you because we used to fit somehow, like pieces of a broken world; because i understood and you were unforgettable. i loved you and starflowers, your music and your words. you, you thought I was ‘human’, and wrote of certain unmentionable events. you think I did what I didn’t, and you hate. You never knew.
i like to think maybe you’ll end up with some other girl, maybe her,
(who knew?), and maybe you will stumble upon this page once again, in
less confusion and hopefully more knowledge than you had last time, and
read these love letters voraciously. maybe you’ll cast your eyes over
these words, this legend, this broken fairytale. orpheus and eurydice,
undine and the knight, star-crossed lovers. and you will think “fuck. she’s right.”
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